The Fine Line Between Stupidity & Hating PETA

Never I would thought that the begining of the year 2007 would be somehow.....bizzare. It's quite a refreshing start, beginning of the new era, new resolutions & of course, not looking forward going to work especially when the company you work at is in the process of corporate restructuring & down-sizing. Not for me though. Instead, I celebrate New Year with a blast! Water boiling fever, running water tap nose, knife piercing sore throat & rhythmic cough. White cells having party else where & virus having days of their live in my body. All you can ask for new ye.......IT SUCKS!!!!

Anyway, I went to work the next day, my colleague & I were set up as a team for this new project and we were briefed about it. My boss asked us to come up english & malay alternative title for this project, which is "Wai Sek Mao" in cantonese. Oh I'm sorry, I don't give a flying f**k about not knowing how to write in chinese. To put it bluntly, it directly translates Cat with Huge Appetite. Then later he got an idea on how the logo should look like. I have to warn to all readers out there this can get very disturbing and the more he explains the more it became more gruesome. Enough for PETA to come all the way here to hold protest, run around naked in the office & toss animal excrement on to anybody who has dead animals on them.If you have no idea what PETA is or thought is a map in Malay, I suggest you look up in google or wikipedia and type "Why I don't have any friends..."

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to continue this blog due to boss himself.

The Supreme Beings of Logic

I had a friend.....No; I had a roommate, whom I know the greatest math orthodox persona complex in the known Milky Way galaxy. Whether it is a compliment or sarcasm, I just leave it to you folks to decide. All he had in his side of the room are math books, a computer, a scientific calculator & more math books. I'm not really fond with math but this guy, he's so mad with math that made me even more hating math. So basically, math revolves around him, thus making him.............I'm not really sure how to describe but here goes.

It was the 1st semester for me in Computer Science as I was still thinking where to move from my current hostel room. It's not that I wanted to move out but the management decided to convert the quarters for the females. One day during class, he approached me and began to speak to me (I'm pretty sure he's speaking English) in a way it's impossible to understand. It's like translating a Japanese news website using AltaVista Babelfish. It was horrible. It took me 15 minutes to decrypt the messages. I've talked too many mentally challenge person, which is more comprehensible than this guy.

Anyway, I didn't have a roommate then so I leave it to the hostel accommodation officers to randomly place and occupant in my vacant lot. Without my knowledge, for some reason this guy voluntarily took the vacant lot. At first I didn't mind. But then ...the horror began. It all began when I was downloading music at night. All of a sudden, he bends down to his knees and begged me to turn my pc off because he needed to get up early for his class the next day. It was 9 pm at that time. Ok, fine. So I went out for supper. The next day, I got up around 8.30 am, preparing for my 10 am lecture. The guy was still sounding asleep. Then I checked out his schedule and...His class only starts at 2 pm.......

A week later, his brand new pc came. For the first time in life, he got excited playing his first computer game. It was 11pm and I was surprised he still awake. So I told him to keep it down because I have 8 am class the next day. Then, he did what nobody expected would do. He gathered his bed sheets & his blanket, build himself his own mini size camp on his is study table. "You go sleep lah first". I was speechless.........To think that he made me an asshole the other day and that day he shamelessly made himself a bigger one.

It was Saturday, and I wanted to go to KL to do some shopping. I had everything planned what I needed to do when I get there. The trip from KL from Nilai is not exactly near and it took about 2 hours’ tops to get there by using all means of public transportation. Then he tagged along. During the journey, I felt terribly awkward. Usually when traveling a long distance, people would normally sit back & relax or having a little chat. His seating posture somehow looked like he had a diarrhea fest and had to go again. He kept asking me how long till we reach there. I wished the train had ejection seat & throw him out of the window. Finally we got there, began my window shopping. About 30 minutes later, I felt awkward when he followed me around. So I asked him if there’s anything that he wanted to see, or maybe we could meet up later. He insisted on following me. From his facial expression, he doesn’t seem to enjoy himself. So I decided to take a break and grab a bite. As we enter KFC, he made a huge reaction and said, “Haaah?! KFC ah?!!!” It’s the same reaction when we went to other fast-food restaurant. Then, we settled down at mamak stall. To be honest, I did not travel all the way to KL from Nilai just to eat plain mamak food. All he had was plain water. After the meal, I continued my shopping. Unfortunately, the plan was abruptly stopped. “When we are going back?” with a sulking expression. By looking at his face, I had lost my will to continue…I had only spent 2 hours in KL.

That was really frustrating until when we got back to our dorm. My pants got stolen. It was really lousy day for me & my favorite pants got stolen when I hung it out to dry. Of all thing that comes out of his mouth that was supposed to be words of sympathy, instead, “Next time when leave room, lock the door when u hang outside.’’ God damn it………

Flight of the Bumble Bee

The Flight of the Bumblebee" is a famous orchestral interlude written by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov for his opera The Tale of Tsar Saltan, composed in 1899-1900. The piece closes Act III, Tableau 1, right after the magic Swan-Bird gives Prince Gvidon Saltano........that's not my point here. I'm not reviewing about musical composition by some Russian dude. I have to admit that the music does sound exciting & chaotic like a roller coaster ride with the chain broke off from the rail when doing a 360 degree loop at 75mph, but a little pleasant.

I remember my very first ride on a budget airliner, AirAsia. I was heading back to Peninsular Malaysia. From where I'm from, the price between MAS & AirAsia has a little difference with each other but I want to tryout AirAsia anyway. Well first of all, you don't expect anything luxurious about budget airliner & their airport in Tanjung Aru,Sabah aren't short of anything. They have restaurants, waiting benches, televisions, taxi & bus counters, security guards, airport staffs, ticket collection area, check-in counter and toilets in which how a regular airport should be. But unlike any other airport that I've been, this one is a little different. It's a Pudu bus station, literally.

When I got there, oh my god.........It's a refuge camp. It felt like, I was at the international border seeking refuge from the neighbouring country as your country caught in the civil war. As I moved further in, I saw people collecting their ticket like they were collecting rations from the UN security forces, & I'm one of them. After I got the ticket, I had to wait for my flight schedule in which about 2 hours from that moment. I had to stand, not because there were scarce of benches, but the whole place was overcrowded till I have to tilt my head upwards just to get oxygen. The lousy part of this, is the wait. Like in a bus station, the bus will only depart when there's enough passanger on board otherwise, they had to wait for the others for them to hit puberty. The wait for my flight had been pushed to another 3 hours. Thank goodness for the TV to keep me sane long enough before hell break lose.

Finally, after 5 hours of agony, my flight is good to go. Boarding the plane is not exactly walk in the park. Everyone knows that "Now Everyone Can Fly..." at least that's what's the slogan said at the side of the bright red Boeng 737. No kidding. Here you can see people from all races & background....with full size luggage & carry it onboard. Since most of them taking this flight for the first time, they had no knowledge of checking in their luggage at the counter & placed it in the cargo area of the plane, or maybe they felt insecure with their "valueble" stuff in their luggage. Because of this, it took me another hour to actually get to the entrance of the aircraft after those struggling people carry their heavy luggages up the flight of stairs. When I got to the plane, this is where the fun began. This airline company had a similiar system with a normal bus company....free seating. All of us rushed in to get the best seat like playing tag with huge obstacles in the path, after that I settled down with my seat....far back of the plane. The crowded & noisy atmosphere is not much different here and at the airport. The only difference between both is in the plane, is much cramped & claustrophobic. It felt exactly like being transported to another refuge camp in a small truck.

Like MAS, they offered drinks & food but you have to pay for it. I don't really care about it until I saw the price of the beverages........RM3.00 for a locally produced bottled water. I'm in a budget airline travelling with folks who can finally able afford travel by plane where the food & beverages cost no less than a 5-Star Shangri-La hotel price. It's a daylight robbery. As the plane is ready for take off, almost every passenger here, recites prayer for safety. Never experience take off before, I just leave it as that. God bless the good folks here. The plane finally in the air & everything is just as noisy as ever.

The sky is calm & clear as blue, but not the plane. For some reason, the cabin noise was unusually low on one side as if I had hearing difficulties in my left ear. I thought it was cabin pressure that caused it but the plane tiltled to the left very agressively until the items in the head storage compartment fell off. Panic began to rise, children began shouting and crying, and the adults screamed and prayed out loud as the plane shooked violently like those in the movie but in real life. I tighten my seatbelt and hang on to it and prayed every inch of my soul till I almost pissed my pants. And then, everything stop. The plane became normal & everyone calmed down. It was sight of relieved.........until I heard something that no normal civilian should hear. The good thing about sitting far back of the plane, nobody will kick your seat. No, that's not what I meant. At the far back of the plane is where the air steward & stewardess sit. This is what I heard from them........"Tadi kepten cakap engine mati kejap. Mau start balik susah betul." The other one said "Nasib baik tak rosak. Kalau tidak, macam Tawau punya kes. Bikin takut saja!" You have got to be kiddin' me............

It was an unforgettable experience that I almost lost half of my life,......and almost pissed my pants.

Freaky Friday on Sunday

TGI Fridays, the greatest American cultural achievement of great food and jello shots up to your nostrils till you puke stomach acid smoothie. It's one of the examples of an American dream, the place you had all the great fun and depressed on the way out. Not because it's a great place, but create economic recession of your life savings, knowing that you will came up 3/4 poorer and about 1/4 of your life gone. This is the time you know that this is the first & the last time you will come again. It’s like going to Disneyland but made it as far as the entrance because you have to pay the ticket to return home.

My friends & I, five of us were having a big day out. Gathering of some sort. We were deciding what to have for dinner. I thought of myself, since we don't do these that often, might as well try out something extravagant, classy & fun. So I gave suggestion that we all should eat at TGI Fridays. All agreed & headed to where the greatest American culture and cuisine. The place was awesome. Nice music, great decor & the food was great. We were having the day of our lives. Unforgettable.

Then it's almost time to wrap up for the next programme & we asked for a bill. Shih Ying paid for it because none of us had enough amounts to pay all at once. The bill came, & the waiter explained to us that the next time we come again; we will have a free meal with any purchase for another meal. I doubt that I will. So she paid the bill. "Rm277.70 is quite a lot." "It was RM227.70" Blue replied. "Wow a RM50 tips. That's so generous of you." We all teased her for being really generous. When the change came, we found out of RM50 short. So we told the waiter that she paid RM300 & there should be a RM50 back for RM227.70 bill. So he went back & checks. A few minutes later, he came back, hoping he would return with the correct change, instead, he asked us "Are you sure you gave me RM300?" Yes I'm sure Michael Jackson still had his white plastic skin on. When comes to money, we are very positively sure. "I assumed you gave me RM250." he continued. Seriously, I tried so hard not to be tolerating with this kind of stupidity & in competency, assuming that he has his period & still sure he had a sex change. Then he called the supervisor.

For some reason, we were "educated" on how the management works in which has no whatsoever related to the situation we're in. To make matter worst, "RM50 is just a small amount" he said. Well I could tell the guy in the hospital, whom had an end stage of cancer that he's going to die anyway & recommended him the coffin build material and tombstone sculpture work and tell him that he's required to pay RM50 for bookings. The argument almost lasted for an hour, so we decided that to meet the manager instead. We were hoping for meaningful solution.........instead, he teaches us how to use commonsense. At this point, our patience & agitation had reached our limit. He gave up and gave her back the actually change that should have been returned to her in the first place.

5 year old kid with a Sony PSP & an iPod Nano

Sony Playstation Portable or simply known as PSP and the iPod Nano are the latest trend among young teens. The functionality of these devices is astonishing. High quality 3D games can be played on a portable device and thousands of music can be stored in to an iPod Nano which is smaller than your matchbox. These devices really do wonders & you will not get bored when you are on the move. It doesn’t come cheap either because these devices don’t go less than your regular paycheck. Back in the olden days, the only portable entertainment device that I had was the handheld Tetris which is larger than my size 11 foot & heavy enough to be classified as a potential murder weapon. It had only one built in game, which is dropping blocks to clear the rest of the blocks. Though it is repetitive like watching cars pass by, it is highly addictive & still playing till today.

These highly sophisticated devices are mainly targeted to young teenagers and adults, which is a huge demographic. Apparently, it also caught the attention of the even younger demographic as young as 5 years old. To think they would go for action figures like Power Rangers or Transformers, but no. They preferred sophistication of digital cyber age fun. A small step for us "old farts" and a giant leap for them indeed.....

After college & looking for a steady job, I worked at a gaming retail store, selling gaming products, accessories & trading cards. I came across with customer from UK.

Like most customers do, they browse around the store. Then, he saw PSP on display. He asked, "How much is the PSP?" So I told him the price (Price upon Application) & what does it come with. Without any hesitation, this is what he said, "Ok. I take two of these PSPs and 8 of these games you have. Oh you have Harry Potter & Lord of the Rings as well. I take them too. So that would be 2 PSPs & 10 games please." My colleague and I threw a blank face at each other. It sounded like a really bad prank and we were actually shocked when he insisted for them. "Oh, wrap them up with gift papers and a ribbon." he added. So we quickly pack everything. Curiosity ran in my mind and asking him wouldn't hurt, so I asked, "Are these for your children?" "Yes, they are. My 5 year old twins are going to love this." he replied. "They are lucky twins." I said. I don't have any recollection of such colossal gifts were ever given to me.

Being exposed to sophistication of digital world at such a young age. I wonder if it’s really a good thing.................

What are you going to do after SPM?

It was the end of the year of 1997 after PMR government exam; we are deciding which major we want to be in. There are two majors, which are the Art Stream & Science Stream (Commerce falls in Art Stream major as well. No idea why and I do not see anything artistic about accounting and economics or anything to do with numbers and calculators). Almost 7 out of 10 students wanted to join the Science Stream. As for me, I leave it up to the board to decide where to put me. The decision was obvious. The smart ones got the Science and the rest of average Joe & Jane got the Art. A pre-determined destiny on what the future would be. Pretty bold statement coming from an average Joe like me. After 2 years of gut wrenching and brain busting revision, all the hard work doesn't really pay off. A lot of them cried because they couldn't get the result they wanted and kept on ranting that it might affect their future.

After a few years later, we all start working. Right now, I'm working as a Graphic Designer, when you looked at my olden days; none of my studies are relevant with what I'm doing right now. I'm not the only one here that does that. A dude I know back school took Science stream and now he's a 3D animator, Art stream with arts subject became a manager of certain store and so on.

Come to think of it, it’s really messed up.

Buy a RM2000 Massage Chair to obtain a RM50 21’ inch TV prize

Most of you would think that I made a mistake in the title above. Most would say, “Shouldn’t it be buying something and get free gift instead of obtaining the prize? That’s ridiculous.” The title above says exactly what it says. Some of you know, heard & experience this age old marketing tactics to get rid of their stocks & making money with the infamous "Scratch & Win" scam. Instead of doing it in the public open, they will go door to door making it like a survey to fish out the poor suckers. Usually this tactic often used by small time business especially home appliance store in the neighborhood to clear their dusty goods off the shelves. They will send runners (Usually frail looking students) to do their job as a salesman. When they found their first prey, this is what they always do (never fail)

"Hi, my name is Ham Ka Chan & I'm from Paper White College. I'm here to conduct a survey for my Bull Shit project & would like you to participate in our special What The F**k festival. Currently we are having a special college promotion in which you can win our prize. It's very simple; all you have to do is scratch one of the three choices on the ticket. If you're lucky enough, you will walkout winning a brand new TV set." After scratching the ticket, "Congratulations sir! You are one of our lucky contestants. You've just won a brand new TV! But first, you have to come to our "store" and purchase some of our attractive items in order to obtain the prize"

That's their pattern. The odds of losing in the "Scratch & Win" ticket scratch, none. Even if you scratch all of the tickets, you win all of the TV. After that, they will force you to purchase their useless item before they actually give you the TV.

Back in the glorious day of free f**k of college life, there was this one kid came to my rented house, doing the scam routine as usual, claiming that he's from Taylor’s College. My housemates & I knew about it, so we asked him to leave. Usually when they were asked to leave, they moved on. But not this one. This kid waited outside not far from our house, and then another kid came along. They were talking for 10 minutes and the other kid approach our house. This time, he's claimed he's from Nilai College. None of us are able to tolerate these ridiculous antics of them so we ask him to get lost.

To think that everything is over, but noooooooo....... The next day a girl approached at our house. Just before we could do anything to get rid of her, her words stumped us. "I'm from Lim Kok Wing College......bla...bla...bla...." I was stumped....I couldn't listen to her anymore & yet she couldn't speak English. Instead, I messed her up a bit. Since I'm from Sabah, my Malay accent sound a bit like Indonesian accent. So I spoke to her like a jackass though most of the time, her face went blank. Fail to communicate with me without the slightest sense of knowing anything, she gave up. She walked away looking very frustrating. I laugh so hard, until my tonsil is stuck right in between of front my tooth. Priceless.

I couldn't think of any reason why they kept on using the age old scam. It's not doing any good.

The Fat of Land

I have nothing against fat people nor do I discriminate them. But when I see a 15 year old ultra heavyweight about 200kg of mass fat, I couldn’t tell whether he got a neck, oh dear god you should sue someone. I’m not talking about family genes or abnormal growth disease, but I’m talking about having 5 ultra sized meals (Breakfast, Lunch, Teatime, Dinner & Supper) that shamed the sumo wrestlers as if he’s having a diet, Inability to bent down or even glanced at his p***s nor has the ability to turn his head left or right.

Couple of weeks ago, I watch comedy central stand up comedy Gabriel Iglesias when he explains the type of fatness. There are 4 level of fatness. They are normal, fluffy, chubby & DAMN! No kidding. That's my reaction when I saw a few ultra heavyweights, I go "DAMN!". It's a good thing he couldn't hear me as my voice has been filtered and absorbed by his "Michelin" shaped body.

I remember couple of years back when I was still in my hometown, during Hari Raya celebration when my family & I visit my dad's boss. I came across one peculiar car, nothing strange about Nissan Sentra but there is something strange about his suspension setting. The driver area, front right wheel is unusually higher than the rest. So I ask one of the guys what's wrong with the car, until I saw "DAMN!" enter his car............................I have nothing more to say there.....

Creative names for Chinese People

Remember back in the days when we mock the Japanese language that if Japanese car, motorcycle and home appliance brand names are put together, it sounds like you are speaking Japanese. That wasn’t my point but relevant enough to start the paragraph.

This is by far my most absurd topic that I had ever came up but everyone must face fact that there are people who are shamelessly "customized" their own name though most of them had no idea what it means & up to some point, frequently change their name as if buying fake branded clothes in Petaling Street. Airmani today Redbutt tomorrow & the day after Versucky. Sounds like a actor's name from cheap soft-core porn movie showing the close up of bloke's sweaty face in wide angle view. Kinky.........NOT!!!!

It all began during the British colonial times when the Brits had a hard time pronouncing Chinese name. So they game them some name to call upon to make life easier like Adam, Smith, Jeremy, Elizabeth, Nancy and whatever name they can find in the bible of Christian names. That's to be understood. As time gone by to the 21st century, names become a must have accessories, like women's tampons or men's Viagra pills to build up confidence in themselves. Offended? I don't give a flying f*** if you got your name from S&M products, you sick bastard.....Anyway, name has evolved to one point they have to alter their name to adapt with their Chinese name.

I wonder if there's a person name Swine Tan?

Jobs for None

50,000 jobless graduates still looking for a suitable job which related to their field of study even though they knew they wouldn’t able to find one in the first place because there isn’t much choice to begin with. When I was in Secondary School, a representative from some university gave a talk during career seminar. He boasted that if you take the Marine Bio Engineering course, you’ll get paid around RM20, 000 a month and your future will shine. And then, one of the student asked, “If I take the course majoring in Marine Bio Engineering, where do I work in Malaysia?” The crowd went silent. The representative had no idea how to answer, instead; “For more information, please check in our official website”. Not exactly the most credible answer, but good enough to slip away from being caught in the potentially dangerous crossfire from the students. Feel’s like George Bush making a speech.

Imagine this, in a certain year where thousands of graduates graduated took the same course that they had taken, reading the same newspaper and found that there is one job suitable to their field. All signed up for the job and went for interview but only one person got the position. Here’s a little twist, the reason why the chosen one got the job not because of outstanding achievement that had been made in his or her yester years. Not because of straight A’s. Not because of great speeches and great enthusiasm. Neither was cousin of someone’s sister’s brother’s father’s friend that made the cut. It is because the employer knows that he or she wouldn’t ask for a raise or promotion for 10 years or so and wouldn’t to go all this interview trouble if one leaves. Otherwise you are over-qualified. Most of you would object my statement but it’s true. Pretty bold statement that might or might not get me in trouble.

It’s a common practice among employers in order to maximize revenue for the organization. Squeeze every drop of contribution from the employee and giving them a small treat.

Paying RM1.50 loaf of bread by Credit Card

Every time I went to work by LRT, I had always been bugged by Credit Card sales people from various banks. With the given package of the card, it was tempting. Free registration; obtain reward points by spending, free gifts and so on. Unfortunately for them, I wasn’t qualified for it. My wage still hasn’t hit the minimum requirement for applying for a new credit card. When they knew about it, they pull their long and gloomy faces as if I had soiled their family honor. Can’t really blame them, because their lives are depended on the commissions they get from the number of customers they pulled in. Otherwise, they have to eat bread crumbs for the rest of the week, months or quit and work at McDonalds.

Anyway, credit card these days has become a necessity as it is much safer than carrying a stack of cash that you couldn’t fit it in your pocket. Would you carry RM15, 000 of cash from your home to home appliance store to get a plasma TV? Nobody is stupid enough to do it. A safe transaction without involving physical. Fast, secure, and convenient. It’s a very powerful tool of trade with infinite possibility in which one make the feel of superiority, arrogance, and confidence, up to one point where rationality and logic no longer apply in the real world. Not long ago, I went to Tesco supermarket to shop some groceries. As I went to the cashier counter to pay up my groceries, there is a peculiar person in front of me having a heated argument with the cashier. Normally people would just leave and move to the next counter to avoid being caught in the trouble. Not me, not because I want to mind their business, but their conversation getting absurdly amusing by the second. Weird you say, but nothing is weirder than listening the argument between both customer and cashier why she wouldn’t accept credit card for purchasing a loaf of RM1.50 Gardenia white bread. This situation put “Money is not everything” in a whole new perspective.

Discovery of Forgotten Friendster

It has been 365++ days since I actually realized that I had registered Friendster. Boy that was really embarrassing. Everyone sitting beside me had their jaw wide open of shock when they discovered I just discovered Friendster & foam start coming from their mouth when they knew that I had registered it a year ago, and completely forgotten about it.

I just got the news yesterday from the admin & they really missed me very much. It's really nice of them to remind me that the world still in one piece. The last time someone missed me when the IKEA staff sent me 100++ pages of colorful catalogue and convinced me that they're still selling furniture that doesn't fit any part of my apartment. I don't remember anything like that but I do remember buying a RM6.90 A4 sized picture frame use it as my door stopper and filled out some form I'm not sure what was it, but what the hell....It's like forgot to feed their pet fish and feeding it when the fish's belly right side up and go "Oh my god, Mister Wiggles is dead hungry!"

Anyway, I'm well & alive, & don't really care about anything insignificant that revolves around me....whatever that means.......

Not exactly my first blog, but....

I had a blog in friendster some sort of a draft version for my friends to view them before I decided release it to public, to see the reaction. After a certain "encouragement" from my friend I decided to give it a go.

Most of my blog consist of dark & cynical comedy, which how I view the world from my own perspective on how stuff works. Anyway, feel free to drop by some comments for my own amusement.

Enjoy!

Alwyn.